This is a tricky time for many children – just starting a new school or moving forms can prove very unsettling after the long summer break. The whole issue of becoming accepted by a ‘new’ peer group will be all – important to many. Parents can boost confidence by showing an interest in how things are going, being reassuring when listening to any problems and of course celebrating successes.

By Sue Twort on Sep 17, 2008

Sue, Interesting to think back to my dyslexic son starting a new school some years ago, he developed tummy migraines, bedwetting and crying periods, all because he was scared of all things new. It took a few weeks of gentle reassurance from teachers and family but he did come out of it and made some vital new friends to make him feel he belonged. You may not remember but I did consult you at the time and your advice was invaluable, thank you so much. He has grown out of the nervous problems he had before but we know he still benefits from exactly what you are suggesting especially listening to problems and celebrating successes. Thank you again, Carina Bayley.

By Carina Bayley on Oct 31, 2008

Hi there can anyone help, My daughter has just started school and i feel like i have the wrong child sent home everyday!!!

She is rude always shouting over the top of people far too confident for her age and so snappy with everybody i just want to cry when i look at her at the moment.

I feel really overwhelmed as i know some of this is tiredness and she also has a new baby to deal with of 10 weeks. i am finding it so hard she has always been so happy and kind – i am frightened im going to make matters worse at the moment.

By Mum on Oct 1, 2010

It sounds like your daughter could be expressing her anxieties about having a new baby in the family as well as adjusting to starting school. Both are huge changes in her young life – and she is expressing her feelings in bad behaviour. Try to have some regular quality time with her, as it is a big shock to a young child when they realise they can’t have all your attention. We’re just about to put a new article on the site – Helping a young child deal with a new baby in the family – and you might find it useful for your situation. Your daughter needs lots of love and reassurance at the moment, but don’t be afraid to give her clear boundaries about any bad behaviour.

By Sue Twort on Oct 3, 2010

I am experiencing real problems with my daughter who periodically goes through friendship problems and then has terrible mood swings and arguments at home. When everything with her friends is Ok then life at home is easy, but when things are going badly we all suffer terribly! the crux of her problem is that she gets very emotional easily and goes off in a huff when she is annoyed or upset with her friends. One day recently she cried and cried when with them for no apparent reason and was inconsoleable (I put it down to her having her period at the time). understandably, her friends find this sort of behaviour hard to deal with and then distance themselves from her (on this occasion they asked her, by text, not to come to sleep over as she was being “too negative”). My problem is that she doesn’t open up to me until things have got out of control, and when I do try to give advice, she screams at me and accuses me of taking their side. She also often gets upset about her looks (which is hard to realte to because she is particularly pretty) and I am told by another parent that she is known to get upset in her group about how she looks.
I am at a loss, my husband is working away at the moment and I have a 10 year old son who is suffering as all he hears is us shouting at each other. I know I don’t deal with thigs so well sometimes, but it very frustrating when she only tells me half a story and I have to fill in the gaps from what other girls have told their parents. It makes me look stupid and makes her seem manipulative to teh other parents and so they are a little wary of her. she’s 13 and physically mature if not very emotionally mature. her friendship group is a group of 4 one of whom is a long standing “friend” from her junior school who is a alpha female type and is very mainipulative with the other 2 girls. Any advice would be much appreciated as I’m at the end of my wits.

By Elizabeth on Oct 27, 2010

Hi Elizabeth, You are certainly not alone in having this problem with your daughter. Girls frequently have many friendship issues in their early teenage years and, as you rightly observe, hormonal issues usually play a huge part in emotional volatility at this time. At 13, the pressure to be accepted by her peer group is very strong and all important – and often parents are seen as not understanding the issues, even if this is absolutely not the case. It is really positive that your daughter opens up to you, even if you feel it is a bit late in the day. My advice is to listen and empathise with her when she confides in you, without offering advice or comment at that stage if you can. Even asking questions can be seen as ‘taking sides’. When she is ‘in a state’ she just needs to offload and maybe the solution-finding part can come a bit later when she is calmer? This will no doubt be hard for you, managing the frustration of it all on your own at the moment. However, you need to show your daughter that you are remaining calm and in control (even if you don’t feel it!)and avoid getting into shouting matches. If she is rude or screams at you, tell her that you do care and you will listen to her when she has calmed down a bit but you will not put up with screaming (or whatever the unacceptable behaviour is). This will benefit your son too. If you do feel you need a bit more personal support on this, we do offer telephone support for parents and you can find details of this on the Services and Fees page. Best of luck.

By Sue Twort on Oct 28, 2010

Sue, many thanks for your advice, I will certainly take heed of it, and try not to add fuel to the fire in the way I respond to her outbursts.
I tried to reply to your email but it kept bouncing back. I hope this advice will be useful to thers going through similar things and I will take note of your telephone support service.

thanks again

By Elizabeth on Nov 2, 2010

Hi,
I cannot belive I am sending this as I strongly belive that children should choose and conduct their friendships themselves unless there is a serious problem.
My daughter has 2 “best friends” they have known each other from the age of 3 and are now in their final year of primary, last week she came home from school quite upset and said that the 2 other mums had been into school about the her and that she and the other girls had been spoken to individualy by one of the teachers, she would not give me any other onfo at the time so I phoned the school, the teacher said the other mums had been in to school as the girls had been arguing a lot, more than usual and one was always feeling left out, this included my daughter who had been quite upset last week after being left out, and both other girls (not the same girl all the time) she said that they had all said the same thing, that they all liked each other and enjoyed playing together but that they all get upset by the arguments, later that day I spoke to my daughter (who finds it very difficult to express her feelings) and she said she knows one of the mums does’t like her as she never speaks to her anymore, and that one of the girls has been told by her mother that she is not allowed to play with her! This would make sense as I have found it near impossiable to arange a playday after school recently, the school have said this is not the case in school but have agreed with the other mothers to try to encourage the girls to play with other children, my daughter has said that she is playing with others but the other 2 are not, she is very hurt by this as she thinks she has done something wrong. I have spoken to one of the other mums as I was upset that she had not spoken to me (she did a couple of years ago and we agreed that the girls should sort out any friendship problems themselves) she denied going into school about the friendship and said she had gone in on another matter, she also said she had not banned her daughter from playing with mine. I have always been of the opinion that girls will argue and be a bit nasty to each other now and then but as long as there is no bullying (which there is not) then they should sort out there differences themselves, my mum always got involved with my arguments at school and I still find it hard to stand up for myself now. My daughter has been very quite this weekend and will not tell me how she is feeling, but I know she is very upset and will not go against the teachers if they tell her to play with others, she has always been tall for her age and the other 2 are small so this does not help, as people tend to expect her to know better and behave more grown up, but I feel its unfair that she is now the only one being left out. I feel the fact that one child has been saying she is not allowed to play with her, has been what has driven a wedge between the girls. I
also think this group of girls has been manipulated and bullied by one parent and that none of the other girls feelings have been considered.
How can I help my daughter get through this without feeling bitter (as I do)and how can I encourage her to open up to me a bit more? I really want her to enjoy her last year and have some good memories from it, but now it looks like she will have no friends around after school and will not be invited either, I cannot see the situation with one of the mums improving as she turned down my invitation for her daughter to come to play, saying she thinks they all need a break.

By Anne on Nov 8, 2010

Hi Anne, This is a tricky situation but sadly not an uncommon one. Three can be a difficult number and often two will ‘pair up’ and exclude the other one. Understandably you feel strongly about how the other mothers have handled the situation, but it is important that you don’t allow your own indignation and bitterness to influence your daughter. The school have suggested playing with other children, which your daughter is doing, and I think that is a good idea. It is good for her not to have ‘all her eggs in one basket’ and this unexpected ‘opportunity’ to seek out and develop new friendships with others will stand her in good stead when she goes to secondary school. My suggestion would be to help her to focus on developing friendships with other children in her class who she likes. Maybe she could invite someone new home for tea? Common interests are useful for developing new friends, things like clubs, sports, games etc. She will open up in her own time as she knows you are there for her. It is hard to just let things evolve naturally when you want it to be sorted out, but being ‘open’ and avoiding asking her questions is the probably the best way forward. Your own past experience has shown you the benefit of letting your daughter find her own way through this – with your support – so trust that too. Hope this helps.

By Sue Twort on Nov 9, 2010

Hi Sue,
Thank you for your response, I will try inviting other children for her to spend time with, she does attend sports clubs and I am trying to make this a more regular thing too, thank you again.

Anne

By Anne on Nov 9, 2010

Hi Sue.
My daughter was bullied throughout Primary School. She is quite a cheerful girl but these incidents hit her hard. She became more confident however as she started seconday school last year and made loads of friends. We chose a different secondary school from the girls of Primary school. It is quite a small secondary school, there are thiry in her year. Since September she is becoming more and more withdrawn. I asked her several times why and she denied any of it. Then last week she came to me saying that all the other girls were begining to exclude her, put her down constantly, they use her. They come to our house quite a lot yet she is never invited to theirs. They all have sleepovers and yet she is not invited. I’m afaird if I say anything to the other girls parents then the girls will take it out on her. It happened in Primary school already where the principal was told, but the bullying just got worse from it. She doesnt want to move schools either as the only other one close to us contains the girls from her primary school. I really don’t know what to say.

By Eleanor on Mar 4, 2011

Hi Eleanor,
I am very sorry to hear that your daughter had such bad times at her Primary School and that problems are continuing now. Sadly, this is not that uncommon in our experience and being bullied over a lengthy period often leads to an underlying lack of confidence and self esteem which can exacerbate difficulties with peers. Professional counselling would be very beneficial for her, if it is available. I agree that talking to the other parents might not be useful at this point, but I would suggest you discuss the situation with the school in confidence to see what their view is of these problems and what their suggestions are to resolve the situation. Meanwhile, here are a couple of ideas for you to consider if you feel they might be appropriate for your daughter: Encourage her to focus on just one or two suitable girls to invite over/ make plans with in the short term, as this may help her to feel she has allies and is not so isolated; give her some coaching in acting/ pretending she is “not bothered” about not being invited to sleepovers etc. Encourage her to act like a “winner” rather than a victim, even if she doesn’t feel like that inside. Girls of this age can be very cruel and it will help your daughter if they don’t get the reaction they are looking for.

The school does have a responsibility for the wellbeing of your daughter whilst in their care and I do hope that you receive a much more positive response than you did from the Primary school. Best of luck with this.

By Sue Twort on Mar 4, 2011

I have an 11 year old daughter who is struggling with emotions. She seems to express such anger and fustrations but only to me and her step father. Overall she does well..great in school/grades, no signs of depression, seems happy around other family and friends. Her father and I seperated right before she turned 6. He suffered from anger problems and after several years of marriage it become worse and became abusive at times. It was unhealthy and I made the decision to leave. I did seek therapy for both myself and my daughter after we seperated. She still has a relationship with her father, which I support.He seems to have improved with his anger and doesnt have the fits now or at least with her. They seem to get along well and she seems to always show him respect. I feel so often during her rages of anger she mimics her fathers old behaviorthat I so often wittnessed. It is as if she has no control over her emotions. She has even become physical more then once with me and her step father. I and her step father have tried several thigs to help correct her behavior from grounding, trying to talk after she calms down to yelling myself. Yelling of course just intenifies her own anger but I too run out of patience with her. I am at a loss. I desperatly want to help her find control of her anger.

By nicole on Oct 6, 2011

Hi Nicole
Understandably you sound at the end of your tether with this situation with your daughter, especially after you have done your utmost to head off problems by seeking therapy after the split with her father.

Anger is an appropriate emotion felt by everyone and we often feel that temper/ rage is the only way it can be expressed, but that is not the case. Rather than helping your daughter to ‘control’ it – we suggest you help her to find more positive outlets to express it; such as helping her to write a list of what she is angry about, teaching her to safely punch her pillow or mattress. Maybe even have an ‘angry spot’ or bean bag where she can go when she feels like it and jump up and down and shout and scream! Physical activity can also be a useful outlet for these feelings if she has any inclinations to enjoy sports or games. Teach her to recognise when she needs to express her anger and once the emotion is expressed in other ways, there will be a lot less ‘charge’ to be expressed negatively towards you and your husband.

As you have been in therapy you will already know that it is never an option to say to her ‘you are just like your father’ (even if you feel this to be the case at the time). If she is angry with you and/ or her step-father and you feel you need some support on this, we offer telephone consultations for parents.

I do hope this helps you.

By Sue Twort on Oct 13, 2011

I have found it really helpful reading these comments.

My daughter is 6 and has had a “best friend” since she started school. Whilst they have had other friends, they have both relied heavily on each other. However recently, they have been arguing more and I sense they are growing apart. Her friend has been choosing to play with another child rather than my daughter.

Understandably my daughter is very upset by this and as well as making her enjoy school less, she is very irritable and not sleeping well at home. She also says things that suggest that she thinks this means it is all her fault. She says she is “bad” or “wrong”.

I know that it is natural that there will be changes of firendships at this young age, but I want to make sure my actions help my daughter and don’t make things worse, particularly to make sure she doesn’t lose self esteem.

So far I have tried to listen and suggest other things she can do, like playing with other friends.

I would appreciate any tips on how to approach this situation to ensure my daughter builds and does not lose self esteem.

By Stephanie on Jan 11, 2012

The following email response was sent to Stephanie on 12 January 2012 :

Thank you for your enquiry via the website and your kind comments. We will post your question and our reply on the site, but want to send you these attachments in the meantime.

You are absolutely right about changes in friendships being natural at this age, but it easy for children to feel they have done something wrong as it is the first time they will have experienced this sort of hurt. We have found that the attached story, “Lola says don’t be sad” has been very helpful for other youngsters going through the same thing. I don’t know if you have already seen it on the website, but there is a nice photo of Lola in the section therapy-dog-helps-confidence, which might help to bring the story to life for your daughter, as Lola is a real dog who helps children!

The second attachment ‘Girl Talk’ is aimed at older girls, but there are some tips in there that you can use with your daughter, particularly within the sections headed ‘Aims Two and Four’ on the sheet. Making a list of all the people who like/ love her is a good way to help her to feel positive about herself.

I hope this is useful and your daughter soon has several other friends to play with.

Kind Regards

Sue Twort

By Sue Twort on Feb 7, 2012