Friendship Issues

Making and keeping friends is a complex skill that comes easier to some children than others. It is said that babies develop a preference for friends when just over a year old, so it is obvious that problems with friends or the lack of them can happen to youngsters at any age and this is frequently the cause of much unhappiness.

Learning the hard way

The difficulty is that the rules can only be learned the hard way and the best way for a child to develop the knack of forming and sustaining friendships is to spend as much times in the company of other children. Therefore, the more opportunity you give your child to mix with others of their own age, the more experience they will gain.

Keep “mum” about your worries

Parents are often anxious about their children’s social skills, worry if they feel they are isolated or left out and interpret friendships as being a sign of achievement or acceptability. Do be careful not to let your anxiety about this become too obvious. Remember that some children prefer to have one ’special’ friend whilst others favour relationships that wax and wane.

Tips for Making and Keeping friends

Here are some simple tips for making and keeping friends, particularly suitable for children between the ages of eight and thirteen, that you can pass on if the need arises.

• Be a good listener - Look at your friends when they are talking to you. Show them that you are paying attention and won’t be distracted.
• Share willingly - Not just your sweets! Be OK about your friends having other friends too
• Be loyal – avoid the temptation to “bad mouth” them to others. If you can’t say it to their face, don’t say it
• Say nice things – give your friends compliments (genuine ones). Show them that you value and like them
• Be honest – when asked for your opinion, tell the truth. Don’t lie.
• Show interest – let people know you are interested in them. Don’t just talk about yourself, ask questions about others
• Give space – friends need freedom to do things without you sometimes
• Be accepting – not all of your friends have to think and act like you do. It would be boring if they did!

In our work with children in schools, friendship problems come within the “top ten” issues raised and are frequently linked with other problems such as lack of confidence and low self-esteem.

Teenagers

Peer pressure becomes very acute during adolescence when the need to be accepted becomes paramount. The problems are compounded by the fact that peers can be very fickle as well as cruel at this age and it is not unusual for a whole group to ‘gang up’ on one and gossip spreads like wild fire.

Parents may find it hard to accept that friends seem to be more important to a teenager than their own family, but this is an essential part of growing up.

How to give support

Teenagers do want and need the support of their parents, however indifferent they may sometimes appear. But there is a fine and difficult line between giving support and “interfering”, in the eyes of the young person. If your teenager wants to talk, be available for them at that time if you possibly can, rather than putting them off until later.

Try to listen objectively – hard to do if you feel they have suffered an injustice at the hands of so-called friends. Encourage them to come up with possible solutions to the problem, rather than suggesting your own, unless you are asked for them.

“Brainstorming” ideas

If the problem is lack of friends, have a “brainstorming” session with them where you both list all the possible ways of meeting new like-minded people.

Then go through the list and help them to select a few possibilities to try. Above all, keep reinforcing the fact that they are likeable and loveable and make sure that you boost their confidence whenever you can.